I'm writing this today because of feelings i have. Its nothing new, one bullshit even after the next. My life was amazing (even dealt the fact my parents divorced before i could talk) up until the 7th grade when my mother and i moved out of her boyfriends house to our own little house. I was moving from catholic school to public; big change. anyways i was insecure and what not until about the 10th grade when i went on depression medication. it didnt help much. by 11th grade i was off the medication, by my own choice not my doctors and i had began smoking green. This was very different as i was incredibly against anything of the nature before. especially with my dad being an alcoholic. anyways...The shit far overwieghed anything good that happened to me in highschool, except smoking with my friends. i finally by 12th grade felt in place and had a group of friends i am now in college. first year. ive been fairly happy over the summer, but now i live by myself in my appartment. classes can be any hour of the day including 3 in the morning. I dont feel depressed, rather i feel like a machine.  The movie fight club is a big inspiration to me right now because the narration of it, and the way the main character sometimes talks to himself, i really feel like i connect with that. Hence why i named the subject of the topic as i did. you would understand if youve seen it. what im saying is i dont have any feelings at this point. Sometimes i think im just going insane, but that disproves that because an insane person does not believe they are insane.  Ive been doing a lot of working out to pass time, no reason in particular, but its almost a bit of a masochistic attraction. I dont really know if im asking for advice or not. after this weekend from coming home some amazing things that made me have confidence again quickly turned into shit. and now im back in florida. in hell pretty much. I just felt like describing this. Love is like a beautiful silk cloth all wrapped around something. and when you peel it away and get into the core to see what the cloth is holding its a whole lot of bullshit.